Project 1
Katie,
Your essay is thought out very well and you can tell you put time into making it good. It has a very good flow to it and all of your ideas relate back well to the prompt. It’s clear that you have included topic sentences in each paragraph along with transition sentences. Your introduction has a good hook to it but I think that you could explain the background of Soylent here. By explaining the background, it will help the reader follow your points if you explain Rhineharts point in the beginning. Another thing that you could work on in your introduction would be your thesis. I can see where your thesis may be, but if you rework it a bit to make it stronger, it will be very prominent to the reader. You want to make sure the reader knows what your thesis is. Your essay does not include any spelling errors and I did not detect any sentence level errors. Your sentence structure is actually very good and you have very good complex sentences. There are a few places I think you could elaborate on to make your point even stronger than it is now. I marked the few places I thought you could work on. You incorporate your quotes very well but you could also explain them some more by explaining it after the quote. I indicated one quote that I thought could use some more explaining. Other than these few things, I think the first draft of your essay is very good!
Mike,
Your essay contained very good thought out ideas. Everything you mentioned supported the essay question very well. Make sure you put your essay in MLA format and don’t forget to add a works cited page for the “End of Food” essay. You included 2 quotes from the “End of Food” but only 1 quote from your “Favorite Meal Essay.” Just make sure you include one more quote from that essay. A few sentence level things to work on would be that there are some incomplete sentences. You include commas in few places where you don’t need them and there a few spelling mistakes of some words. Make sure that you stay in the same tense, either present tense or past tense. For example, is vs. was. To make your essay flow a little better you can organize your paragraphs by the topics. I mentioned one spot in one of my comments but moving paragraph about world hunger to before the paragraph about how it affects fast food restaurants. It keeps the paragraphs about how food is important to you, and how it relates to your life together and the paragraphs about more global issues together. With your thesis, it may help strengthen it by taking the sentences you have and combining that into one strong sentence will help make it very clean what you are getting at in your essay. When you talk about how the dish is important to your family, you could elaborate more. This would be a good spot to add a quote from your favorite meal essay. Adding a quote that has more emotion to it will make this paragraph more personable. When you say “Food is necessary to survive and have a good life” you could elaborate more on this and connect it to your food essay. Explain more about how that favorite meal relates back to the “good life” part. Lastly, I think it is important to introduce Rob Rhinehart a bit more in the beginning of the essay and explain his reasoning for creating Soylent and then mention how you feel about the Soylent product. This lets the reader know early on how you relate/contrast to Rhineharts product.
Journal #7 Podcast (Reflecting on Peer Review)
Project 2
Project 3
